Who's on first?

My grandfather loved to tell this joke. I don't know if he was a big Abbott and Costelo fan, but he told me this joke often enough during my childhood that I can't hear it without thinking about his scratchy face and his breath that smelled like mouthwash.

A few weeks ago my grandfather died. He was an amazing man. He was a war hero and an amazing engineer with over 200 patents. He grew up the youngest son of a dirt poor widow who had to deliver groceries for pennies to help support his mother and 7 brothers and sisters but he died a millionaire. And most importantly, he was my Pop pop.

My father (asshole) and his brother (bigger asshole) are now involved in some sort of sick nickle and dime game that involves sucking up as much of the financial goodies my grandparents left behind as they can. It kills me because I know he thought the money he left behind would help make things easier on us all and he did his best to make sure of that that. He didn't want any of us to ever have to suffer the way he and his siblings did. But now there are just two very small very greedy men who care more about their father's bank account than they do his legacy.

I sit here with my copy of his book of patents on my lap thinking about what it would be like to be small again and have him crush me up against him in a giant hug, scratchy face and all. I wish I had listened more when he talked about the things he invented. I wish I hadn't rolled my eyes at some of his war stories or his lectures about the times when a quarter bought an entire meal and then some. I grieve that due to the complicated messed up nature of my family my kids didn't get the chance to know him. I'm angry that my father essentially stole that from them, from all of us.

Rest in Peace Pop pop. Thank you for embracing me and letting me know I was always a part of your family. Thank you for the skinned knees you bandaged, the grilled cheese sandwiches and the lipton instant sweet tea. Thank you for the birthday checks with the note to buy something fun that never stopped, even when I was a grown up with kids of my own. You will always be remembered and loved.